Battle for Heaven
by VampireApple
Summary: My humorous look at how the battle for heaven might have gone.


Wrote this for my AP British Literature a few years ago. We had to write about Paradise Lost, which is basically a retelling of the Bible. So I guess it fits in the Bible category.

Disclaimer: I don't own Paradise Lost

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God sighed and readjusted His reading glasses. He loved his angels, He really did, but sometimes they were just a little wearing. The cherub's favorite pastime was writing songs for the angels to sing. They loved to show Him what they had written.

'_I'll make human children like My cherubs. They'll want to show their parents every little thing._' God smiled, seeing it, and tenderness rose in Him.

"Um, God?"

God looked over to see His newest Archangel, Uriel. Poor Uriel looked nervous and slightly ill.

"Please tell Me what you have to say, and you'll feel better," God said with compassion.

"Yes M'Lord." Uriel took a deep breath and said in a rush "Lucifer was very angry that you chose Jesus and not him and now he wants to overthrow you!"

"I know," God replied.

"And some angels agree with him!" Uriel's voice started to squeak with his panic.

"I know. About one third actually."

"I'm so sorry!" Uriel burst into tears.

God sighed and patted Uriel on the shoulder.

###

On cloud nine Archangels Gabriel and Michael watched Lucifer with mild amusement. Their fellow Archangel was livid, ranting and raving like a mad creature. They were just there to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. Gabriel was whittling a harp out of some wood from Earth while Michael was proofreading songs for the cherubs before they sent it to God. Cherubs were notoriously bad at spelling.

"-such a Daddy's Boy! What has He done! I've done so much more than Him. I could fly circles around Him! I mean, who's the one that saved the Zergots on Mars three thousand years ago? Me! That's who! Where was Jesus then, huh? Tell me that!"

Michael glanced over at Gabriel. "I wonder if he realizes that no matter what he does, God will always win?"

Gabriel didn't look up from his harp in progress. "He's always been a fool, so I doubt it."

Michael hummed his agreement.

Lucifer stomped his foot and glared at his two companions. "Will you join me?" he demanded.

The other two angels glanced at each other and laughed.

Lucifer let out a childish scream. "Fine! I'll go find Abdiel! He'll help me!" With a final glare the scorned angel flew off.

"Should we get Raphael?" Michael asked.

"Nah, God'll get him soon enough. I'm almost done with my harp. Then we can go calm all the angels down."

Michael snorted a laugh. "They do tend to panic a lot. Do you remember when God made night? They all thought Heaven was coming to an end."

The two shared a laugh at the memory.

"Hey, I'll bet you five harps that Lucifer doesn't attack God outright, but tries to do something stupid."

Michael considered Gabriel's offer. "Isn't that a bit redundant? Attacking God is stupid because there's no way he'll win."

"Okay, if he attacks God with weapons and such then I'll give you five harps, and if he goes after God in some other way, you'll give me five harps."

Michael thought about it. "Deal."

The two shook hands.

"God, will Lucifer go after Jesus?"

God smiled at Raphael's concern. "No. The idea will never occur to him. He's a bit thick at times."

Raphael nodded. "I know you're the most wonderful, awesome God ever, but aren't You a bit concerned?"

God smiled sadly. "I'm heartbroken. For Lucifer, for those that follow him, for mankind…"

Raphael looked horrified. "He wouldn't dare!"

"He would. Don't worry, I have a plan." He gave Raphael a conspirator's wink.

Raphael smiled weakly in return.

Lucifer looked at all his followers. He had gathered them en mass, with the help of Abdiel. He took a deep breath, and attempted to give the speech of the millennium. "We shall overthrow the tyrannical rule, and live free! We shall toss out the oppression and usher in a new era of freedom! No longer shall we endure in a pitiful existence-" Lucifer continued to ramble on.

One angel in the crowd looked at his neighbor. "Do you have any idea what he's talking about?"

The other angel shrugged. "I only came because I heard there were free donuts."

"-so fear not! I have a plan! Follow me! I shall lead us to victory!"

Lucifer flew off. Abdiel looked after him, doubtful and concerned. He looked at all the other angels. "Well, come on." He spread his wings and took flight.

They all took off after him.

"God! I challenge you!" Lucifer declared as he burst into God's office. Gabriel, Michael and Raphael looked up from the various activates they were doing. Uriel squeaked and fainted. God gave him a sympathetic glance, then turned His attention back to Satan.

"What challenge would that be?" God asked politely.

Several other angels came in behind Lucifer, namely: Abdiel, Beelzebub, Moloch, Belial and Mammon.

"I challenge you to a game of Risk!" Satan said proudly.

Michael groaned. Gabriel smirked and mouthed 'I win' to Michael. Michael stuck his tongue out at him. Raphael shook his head at them.

Abdiel looked thunderstruck. "Are you joking?" he demanded of Lucifer.

Lucifer looked at him, confused. "No… Why?"

"Besides your revolting, that has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard! Why in Heaven would you play a board game to determine such an important outcome!" He trembled with rage.

"This way no one dies," Lucifer pointed out.

"God wouldn't have let anyone die anyway!" Abdiel exploded. God nodded. "That's it, I'm leaving." He turned to God. "May You please forgive me my moment of weakness?"

God smiled. "Of course my child. Come."

Abdiel let out a sigh of relief and went next to the other Archangels. Michael smacked him upside his head, Gabriel rolled his eyes at him and Raphael patted his shoulder.

"Welcome back," Raphael greeted.

"Hey, Lucifer, can I be second in command now?" Beelzebub asked eagerly.

"Sure," Lucifer shrugged. "Now God, let's get this game underway!"

**-several days later-**

"I wonder how long it'll take him to realize that God always knows what will happen?" Raphael mused. He had been worried at first, but after watching Lucifer in action, his feeling had quickly disappeared.

"With him, who knows? He was never very bright," Abdiel shook his head in disgust.

"I find this very amusing," Gabriel spoke up.

"You would," Michael shot back. "At least Uriel finally came around. He should be having a fine time trying to calm the cherubs down.

They focused their attention back on the game.

"Lucifer, you've lost one thousand, two hundred and thirteen times. I think you need to leave."

"One more game!" Lucifer demanded.

"Sorry, but no," God replied. He pressed a button on His desk and the clouds beneath Lucifer, Beelzebub, Moloch, Belial and Mammon dropped and they fell into Hell. The same happened to all the other fallen angels.

"It's a pity, really. I'll miss them. Lucifer always was good for a laugh." God sighed and got back to reading cherub songs.


End file.
